Don’t know what’s wrong with my head right now, but i think it’s broken. 

Having a lot of feels about things and i don’t know where it came from. 

Could use a massive hug right now…

I’m having one of those nights, where i’m teetering on the edge of my emotions…

It hit me all at once while i was fixing things on minecraft… tears welled in my eyes, and i had this sudden feeling of grief, as if someone had died and i’d been somehow aware of it? 

I dunno…

But ever since then, i’ve had this feeling like i need to be feeling something… like i need to be upset, or angry, or depressed? 

It’s like i’m waiting for this huge bomb to drop and unleash hell… a quiet before the storm. 

But there’s literally nothing that i can think of that i should be upset about… today was a GOOD DAY. I got so much done, and had so much fun… 

and now suddenly

my heart is racing in my chest, i’m fighting back tears, and i feel really fucking confused. 

Why body

why!?

Well, so much for picnics… 

Jim was nice enough to take me out, get me some REALLY good food, and take me to my favorite park so that we could have a picnic. We even brought my bow so we could use the shooting range by the lake. 

Everything was going awesome, and i was even about to mention how this was some of the best baked chicken i’d ever had when

*SNAP*

Fuck.

My front left tooth just crumbled in half. 

I had to fish out half of my fucking tooth from the chewed up chicken meat. 

Awesome. 

It’s so fucking tender I can’t eat, i can’t talk, i can’t even kiss Jim. 

On top of that, we had this huge scare because we lost his cell phone. We spent two and a half hours looking for it at the park, at the store where we bought lunch, in the car — everywhere — just to drive an hour back home and find it sitting on the desk. 

Ugh.

What’s fantastic, is I don’t have insurance, or even any money to pay a dentist to do anything for me until sometime next month, and my parents keep saying that unless i’m in “excruciating pain” then they’re not going to worry about it immediately.

I’m sorry, are the tears streaming down my face not enough to take me?? What part of “I cannot eat anything without wanting to scream” do you not understand?? 

Fuckin’ christ…

Can today get any worse? :C

(ﾉ⊙‿⊙)ﾉ～『✧~*SINGS*~✧』

~*I refuse to have this conversation with anyone anymore!

I’m never going to talk about my religion ever again to anybody ever again, because it only causes problems in the end and someone either ends up hating me, or ignores everything i’ve just said so that they can pester me later about whether or not I REALLY believe in “GOD”.

The same thing goes with trying to educate anyone about racism/sexism/ablieism/etc because in the end, nobody understands WHY what they said/did is bad, and/or they don’t care and will continue to do it just to get a rise out of me

and if i keep letting it get to me, i’m going to punch people in the throat*~

(づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ

I am so fucking sore it’s unbelievable…

I’m completely fucking gaulded, to the point where I stood in the shower crying for about 10 minutes. It hurts so fucking bad, and I’ve done everything I can to get rid of this it’s not even funny. (excuse my terrible ms paint drawing, but you do NOT want a picture of this…)

I thought maybe shaving away all the hair there would help make it better since it wouldn’t have anything rubbing against it to make it worse but I’M A MORON and it didn’t click that SHAVING CREAM WILL BURN RAW GAULDED SKIN. 

Fucking hell. 

So now the spot where the inside of my thigh meets my abdomen is on fucking fire and I can barely walk :C 

Do any other fat gals like me have this problem?? If so, what the hell do you do about it?? The only thing i’ve found that even POSSIBLY helps, is baby powder??

Wow…Feels spam

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Zoeya the cupcake queen (Dream)

I dreamed I got to meet Zoey last night, as well as the rest of the yogscast…

It was a few years from now, and they were all living in yogtowers — which was just a huge white apartment building — and Jim and I had rented the place beneath them. Which of course meant that we got to hear “HELLOEVERYBODYI’MINTHELITTLEWOODALSOKNOWNASMARTYN” at all hours of the day, as well as Simon yelling out random “AWW” and “AAAAAAAAH” and “TRUCKING TUESDAY”. And for the most part it was like “oh my god what have we gotten ourselves into if we ever have a baby they’re going to wake it up constantly and i may kill these men. 

But then they realized we were moving in downstairs, and they came down to greet us, found out we were Yognauts/Yognaughts(?) and invited us to come see the inside and meet everybody. 

So Martyn was super bubbly and friendly, and Simon and Lewis were both obnoxious and adorable (they kept picking on us, but we knew it was all in good fun) and then i got to meet Parv and Sparkles* and everybody — but then they were like “AND THIS IS THE KITCHEN!”

and as soon as we entered, there was Zoey and Rythian and Sjin just sitting around. Zoey was wearing an apron a fan had made her where they had hand-painted a mushroom on it, and she was making a BAJILLION cupcakes. There was flour and icing and cupcake wrappers EVERYWHERE and she was just grinning ear-to-ear, she looked so unbelievably happy and giggly and kept bouncing around in front of the stove telling me how she found her new passion, and she was going to open up a cupcake bakery on the side of being in the yogscast, and how Sjin was going to help her. 

Rythian didn’t really want to talk to us once he found out I’d written fanfic once (I told him I followed his tumblr and he rolled his eyes saying “ah. let me guess, you wrote a fanfic about us once” moving his hand motioning towards himself and Zoey, and i was like “yeah a long time ago butt—” and he was like “yeah i thought so.” and just left) so i felt really bad for giving off a bad impression. 

Sjin was super friendly and shook my hand and told me not to worry about Rythian he was just really really homesick so his temper was short. 

Later on though, we met Nilesy and Rythian out in the “garden” (it was a little alley that led to a public park) and they had these super amazing optical illusions painted onto the ground that looked almost like gallifreyan lettering or something, and I was commenting how completely fucking awesome the whole park was, and suddenly Rythian was like, 10000x happier and was joking with us and talking about art and writing and etc.

Overall though, it was an amazing dream that was highly influenced by the fact that i went to bed worrying about Zoey and thinking about baking my mum’s birthday cake for tomorrow, along with like 10000x other real-life worries. 

Still

I got dream-Zoey hugs and it totally made my day. Dream. Thing.

Dear Body,

I know you don’t really listen to me, so this is pretty futile, but seriously

can we stop bleeding now?

I don’t know if you’re just fascinated with our bodily fluids, or you lost the stopper somewhere just out of arm’s reach or what… but seriously. 

3 fucking months is enough.

I can’t afford to take us to a doctor yet, and i’d like to not be anemic. I know the window for that has probably already left, and anemia and me are probably permanent room-mates now, but seriously.

Cut the shit.

You’ve officially ruined every pair of underwear I own now. It’s not funny anymore. 

Sincerely,

The one who’s supposed to be running shit around here. 

P.S — While i’m at it, can we take some time out to talk about the sores on my breasts? That shit is necessary and you know it. 

Menstruating, and other TMI stuff

super TMI stuff about my body behind the cut 

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Good news everyone!~

I didn’t want to say anything at first in case I would jinx us and it would come crashing down, but…

Jim got a job! \ o / 

It’s back at that obnoxious “Pilot travel center” (read: Gas station with enough parking for semi-trucks), you know, the one that worked him into the ground because his manager was a douchenugget, and he ended up getting never-ending hiccups for 3 months because of stress, then managed to pass out from it all and nearly had a heart attack? Yep. He’s going to be back there. Working nights. Full time. 

Part of me is super thrilled about it, because hey! he’s got a job! He won’t be stressed about how to afford things anymore — but at the same time, i’m just terrified he’s going to end up getting worked into the ground again. He has a terrible habit of never saying no, figuring that “well, it’s more money for x” or “But they don’t have anybody else!” and it’s true… they always come to depend on him. He works hard, he’ll stay however long they ask him to, and he’ll do just about anything they ask of him (he’s an INCREDIBLE worker and i’m so proud of him…) but he just can’t say “No” sometimes, and i’m afraid it’s going to get him hurt :-T 

Anyways, he got the job, and he’ll be starting midnight tomorrow (so technically wednesday morning). Wish him luck? 

Woo! \ o /

A particular family member (who will remain unnamed for right now) decided to pay for me to get a laptop for various reasons (including future schooling, and mental health*) 

Anyways, I’m so fucking thrilled to finally have it <3 Now when there are arguments or I just need to get up and leave the kitchen, I don’t have to worry about disappearing to the people I was talking to (call OR IM). I can have private time with people without worrying about if i’m talking too loud or if so-and-so can hear me in the other room (and mum butting in to talk to people when she can’t even hear what they’re saying…)

It’s also the first MAJOR purchase I’ve ever received that was BRAND NEW. As in it’s not refurbished or used. It’s brand new, out of the box, and ALL MINE. I get to customize it all I want and not have to worry if so-and-so will see it, or have to leave it at home because i’m *borrowing* it from someone. I can slap stickers on it if I want to and change the background to absolutely anything and not have to worry about offending people. 

I know it sounds super silly, but there’s like this HUGE weight that’s been lifted off my shoulders… and I know there’s going to be someone reading this that’s thinking “Wow, you could have used that money for a doctor, or put it towards a car~” So all i’m going to say, is that this particular family member wanted to buy me a laptop. Not a car, not a scooter, not clothes or something else. They’ve been wanting to do this for a VERY long time, and they continue to help me (and my family) as much as possible anyways — but this was a gift meant just for me. 

explanation of the asterisk behind the cut :-D

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Do you ever feel like sometimes your life is uncannily like the Truman show? 

Like, no matter how hard you work towards something, everything does it’s absolute FUCKING HARDEST to get in the way, and you’re just sitting there thinking “okay, what the fuck. This never happens to anyone else!?”

I was given money with the express purpose of getting a laptop with it (I know, i know, the money could go towards something else, but the person paying for it wants me to get a laptop for a specific reason, partly to do with my mental health and possibly starting school) but the thing is, I don’t have enough to get the laptop I need. 

I only have $312 to spend, but I need at LEAST this: 

• 4gb RAM
• at least 320gb of memory
• an AMD processor
• Windows (doesn’t matter if it’s vista, 7, or 8. As long as it’s Windows. I know how to run all 3.) 

I keep finding this ONE SPECIFIC TOSHIBA that’s PERFECT. It’s even LESS THAN $300. But everywhere I look, either vehemently refuses to ship it to my house, or tells me “SHIP IT TO STORE! \o/” and then when I go to pick the store I want, it’s greyed out/not available… (and it’s not JUST my town, it’s literally EVERY FUCKING STORE IN INDIANA from Indianapolis and Vincinnes to Bloomington…!??)

WTF This is with EVERY STORE. 

Best Buy, Walmart, Kmart, Sears, HHGregg, Office Max, Staples — even fucking amazon’s are all sold out. (I even checked Tiger direct and Dell to see if I could just MAKE one!)

So i tried for an Asus. An Acer. An HP. ANYTHING. 

All the same. All sold out/refuses to be shipped to a store. 

What the fuck!? (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻